Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

11-2-04 | frustration

sad. thats it. thats how i feel. im also ashamed that i let this girl get to me. i allowed her into my personal space...itll take a while for me to 4give myself. how does it feel when someone tells u they would rather express their feelings and then turns u down 3 times? like this. the way i feel. i feel so empty. so ashamed. and most of all, i feel regret.

this is all my fault tho. who is the reason y we started talkin anyway? and y do we still talk? ME. i cant even stay away for more than 4 or 5 days b4 comin right back. i guess i jus have to discipline myself. ive found myself to be my best teacher - all the things i do best are a result of me pushing myself. this shoudnt be any different.

nothing compares to the regret i feel and i dont want this to go on. i dont want anybody that cant hold me cuz her hands r tied. i dont want anybody whos inconsistent. i dont want anyone who gives me so much less than 100%. nobody has to give me 100% - only God and really special ppl should get that. but sh*t, when i start gettin 60% and less, that jus doesnt say anything to me. its even worse when "showing ur feelings" is supposed to be one of ur stronger points. i dont want to be worried when i think about the person and most of all, i dont want anybody that cant express herself, especially when it counts the most.

im tired. its safe...its not...its safe...its not. i guess that says it all. i had to dig deep yesterday night jus to give her the little expression i had in me. i mean, i understand what she said to me. its hard cuz its not the same - she cant do the same thing to 2 ppl. im not selfish and im not about to be selfish. if thats how it is, its about time she told me that. fck she keepin me here for?! who mi kidding tho? i wanted to get close to her. i wanted to from the very 1st time i met her. im jus goin to leave this alone.

when she told me that, i got soo upset. i dont think ive been that upset in a while. i didnt really want to talk - especially not with her. and u know how it is...she came with those questions. "ru mad at me?" "when ru catching the bus" can u imagine? i missed the bus so i could chill with her....i feel so much regret for putting myself out there. the good thing is, i havent even begun to give her any part of me and she definitely doesnt give me any part of her so she can keep wateva she has. aint nobody that special.

like i said, im not mad at her. its myself i have to blame. but i soo didnt want to walk with her or even look at her yesterday. 4 some odd reason she insisted that she wanted to escort me to the door. started to get on my nerves when she kept following me - i had to tell her "u dont have to" 3 times b4 she realised i was saying "NO"

[sigh] thats it. i agree with her. its probably not the same. they were inseparable b4 she met me and im obviously in the way. 4 some reason she says shes not selfish but she tries to hold on to me. if ur bf is somewhere else, get used to talkin to him over the phone cuz its gonna be a while...fck u usin me for?! if it feels so bad that ure "doin this to him" jus 4get about me.

we talked this morning. cant say it was anything interesting or enlightening. jus the same old "its hard for me..." and so on. she needs time to "get comfortable" with me. the reason y that statement makes no sense is cuz we seemed to have passed that stage already. sometimes i jus dont understand her. i dont know how much longer i m willing to take all this wavering, the ups and downs so...

goodbye 4 now.


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