Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

11-30-04 | the last temptation

ok so the title is all "clever" and what not but this is the last chapter in my journey (with my friend)

we had a discussion yesterday...

i'll finish this later, gotta catch a bus. look for me later in the evening.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

11-3-04 | midweek [crisis]

yeah, the week has been rolling by slowly. had that test on monday. dont quite know how i did - but it wasnt a bad test tho. 52 multiple choice (strange, right?). i should get the grades back real soon.

i have so much stuff to do between now and the end of the week. i have a lab due tomorrow, some other chem work to do, gotta study in advance 4 my next test, today i have to go 4 a meeting. we have a basketball competition on friday between the international students at my school. since i called ppl up and "got the team together" im automatically the team captain. the only thing that bothers me about that is that im at least 2 yrs younger than the other team members...i dont want to have to "control them"

the team is goin to be loaded tho. ive been wanting to play on such a team 4 a while. we've got tj, me, martice, oman, kingsley, rukky, darrell, [possibly] frank, freddy and one other person i havent met (he signed up separately). i have seen all of them play more than once except freddy. i havent seen him play at all but that shouldnt be an issue.

descriptions of the perfect team.

tj and i. about 6'0", have a lot of hussle so we'll probably be stealing the ball alot but dont look 4 me on offense too much - i only do fastbreaks, open treys and inside shots...i can drive in the lane but i dont try so much. tj has a little more "streetball" skills so he handles the ball better one-on-one.

kingsley. about 5'10", dang. he does everything. what i like most about his game is the intensity of play. he's like an upgrade of me. doesnt take unnecessary shots, jus waits for his turn...and plays defense just as much and just as good. look for him to score at least 8 points a game.

rukky. about 6'4", plays under his potential whenever he plays with under-sized players...however, he is an incredible asset. [in my best old english writing] stay out of the lane, lest he dunk on u! thats right. he can dunk! like i said, he plays under his potential with small guys cuz he doesnt need to work hard to score. he should be able to play power forward (even tho he wouldnt make it past guard on an NBA team, LOL).

darrell. about 5'2", lol. hes really not that tall...but he doesnt let ppl walk all over him. he plays well enuff to have him on a team. the only problem i have with him is that he doesnt have a good shot - which is what small guys use to get by everywhere.

frank. about 6'6", cant do shyt. or maybe he has that under-sized problem as well. never seen him play real well b4. however, he should be able to intimidate anyone who wants easy baskets cuz of his "wing-span"

oman. about 6'4", plays to potential. always in the right place. defense is perfect. the kind of player we need at center. lookin at him alone will intimidate ppl trying to score...

thats where martice comes in. ppl will be scared to go into the post so someone will need to watch the backcourt.

martice. about 5'6", is a killer basketball player. he is our point guard, period! nobody runs the court like him, grabs rebounds like him, passes like him or shoots threes like him. hes also a killer defender and he steals the ball easily. he does EVERYTHING well. i'll probably be watchin him myself :D

that is the perfect team.

anyway, i met someone interesting yesterday. the girl that posted a comment on one of my posts. she was really interesting. lives in australia but is from pakistan originally, she likes arts like i do and she seems outgoing at least. i told her i was goin to stop posting, she asked y? then i told her to give me 3 reasons y i should keep posting. she actually had 3. what surprised me most was that she actually follows my posts. its not flattering...just surprising - as u can see, theyre kinda long.

"my friend" has given up on me. i think shes not talkin to me anymore, but thats ok. she really took my words to heart. she did somethin very odd yesterday. she asked me who it was that posted the comment on the post from the 28th (october). i told her i didnt know, cuz i hadnt met her yet. then she said we should talk later. i thought she was actually being serious and she actually wanted to talk.

her: we should talk later

me: call me? or IM. ill be around

[no response for 3 mins]

me: yes..? no...?

her: how about i dont know, ttyl, im out

after that, i jus decided not to bother about it anymore. but then, i jus felt that i was bein ridiculous. decided to give her a call and leave all that pride behind. she didnt pick up her phone. then she called later. i tried to tell her that what she did wasnt nice. the convo, not pickin up her phone...she didnt seem to care. honestly, i felt myself almost starting to cry. i dont cry and i dont know y i felt like that but i just did. maybe because i never expected this to happen, maybe because she is supposed to be my best friend at the moment. i was so lost for words that i asked "y did u call me?" she responded with "cuz u left a message...jus wanted to call back" i felt the way some ppl feel when theyre crying but im not a"crying" person so there were no tears. then i asked her "so u dont have anything to talk about?" she said "no" at that point i was gone. after we finished talkin (there wasnt much after that except iight...ill ttyl), i went to lie down. my eyes got watery but i wouldnt let myself do that.

i sat back up and tried to 4get the whole thing. i watched the rest of the rockets-pistons game. then i watched lakers-nuggets. then i was ok. i hardly thought of her again until a while later. when i did, i jus told myself not to worry. i thought about her this morning again. i felt sad, but i couldnt do anything. i guess we really didnt stand the test of time. i wont lie, this whole situation hurts

thats as much as i can say for now.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

11-2-04 | frustration

sad. thats it. thats how i feel. im also ashamed that i let this girl get to me. i allowed her into my personal space...itll take a while for me to 4give myself. how does it feel when someone tells u they would rather express their feelings and then turns u down 3 times? like this. the way i feel. i feel so empty. so ashamed. and most of all, i feel regret.

this is all my fault tho. who is the reason y we started talkin anyway? and y do we still talk? ME. i cant even stay away for more than 4 or 5 days b4 comin right back. i guess i jus have to discipline myself. ive found myself to be my best teacher - all the things i do best are a result of me pushing myself. this shoudnt be any different.

nothing compares to the regret i feel and i dont want this to go on. i dont want anybody that cant hold me cuz her hands r tied. i dont want anybody whos inconsistent. i dont want anyone who gives me so much less than 100%. nobody has to give me 100% - only God and really special ppl should get that. but sh*t, when i start gettin 60% and less, that jus doesnt say anything to me. its even worse when "showing ur feelings" is supposed to be one of ur stronger points. i dont want to be worried when i think about the person and most of all, i dont want anybody that cant express herself, especially when it counts the most.

im tired. its safe...its not...its safe...its not. i guess that says it all. i had to dig deep yesterday night jus to give her the little expression i had in me. i mean, i understand what she said to me. its hard cuz its not the same - she cant do the same thing to 2 ppl. im not selfish and im not about to be selfish. if thats how it is, its about time she told me that. fck she keepin me here for?! who mi kidding tho? i wanted to get close to her. i wanted to from the very 1st time i met her. im jus goin to leave this alone.

when she told me that, i got soo upset. i dont think ive been that upset in a while. i didnt really want to talk - especially not with her. and u know how it is...she came with those questions. "ru mad at me?" "when ru catching the bus" can u imagine? i missed the bus so i could chill with her....i feel so much regret for putting myself out there. the good thing is, i havent even begun to give her any part of me and she definitely doesnt give me any part of her so she can keep wateva she has. aint nobody that special.

like i said, im not mad at her. its myself i have to blame. but i soo didnt want to walk with her or even look at her yesterday. 4 some odd reason she insisted that she wanted to escort me to the door. started to get on my nerves when she kept following me - i had to tell her "u dont have to" 3 times b4 she realised i was saying "NO"

[sigh] thats it. i agree with her. its probably not the same. they were inseparable b4 she met me and im obviously in the way. 4 some reason she says shes not selfish but she tries to hold on to me. if ur bf is somewhere else, get used to talkin to him over the phone cuz its gonna be a while...fck u usin me for?! if it feels so bad that ure "doin this to him" jus 4get about me.

we talked this morning. cant say it was anything interesting or enlightening. jus the same old "its hard for me..." and so on. she needs time to "get comfortable" with me. the reason y that statement makes no sense is cuz we seemed to have passed that stage already. sometimes i jus dont understand her. i dont know how much longer i m willing to take all this wavering, the ups and downs so...

goodbye 4 now.