Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

10-6-04 | wateva (this is 100% negative)

...happens, happens. probably tired of my sayin that, but thats how i feel. and u may never hear it again. im tired of thinkin about the "i want to be with u"s and hearin the "what can i do"s. i jus really wish there were no feelings or anything. its gettin harder 4 me to talk to her - cuz i have to keep the walls up. that would mean seein her and surpressin my feelings, which is harder than not seein her - so i think i should quit. i mean, we could be friends and all, but we have too much of a connection 4 that to work well...

we're supposed to go to the movies this week...i dont know if i can see her again...seein her is seems different now. we came this far, and now we have to jus start choppin up our relationship. id rather jus put this in the history books.

movin on...

in any case, im glad we're puttin up these walls between ourselves. no matter what happens, it should help me get rid of these feelings. the only thing i want is for her to talk to her man about this. if hes half the man hes supposed to be, and he listens, he'll understand something, i certainly dont expect him to understand more than 1% but...something...after all, he thinks she should tell her parents about him (even though they wont understand and she'll be in trouble) - he thinks its stupid that her brother doesnt want her to date an older guy...Lord knows that is what makes him her brother. if thats stupid, then its stupid that she wont tell him about us (u know its not). if that <-- is ridiculous, then u know what else is ridiculous.

i know shes not goin to talk to him about it anyway, so ive started packin up. that probably also means this journal will be closed permanently...only "issues" go in here - my life is too normal for this to be exciting afterwards... it sounds like im venting, but im not. im in a regular mood, not a good one, but far from a bad one. i dont want to end our friendship, but we've moved too far forward that it will be hard to move back. it may be hard to cancel this, but it solves problem 1 of 2. the most that will happen is she'll miss me for a while. i dont think ppl keep liking each other if they avoid each other. in my case, it'll be a whole lot more. i dont think i'll find such a person for a while. i have one of most uneventful histories (with girls) and its because i hardly make a connection with anyone. but if i have to leave her, im glad that we met, at least. shes a great person and the best friend i ever had.

the WiRe


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