Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

10-12-04 | shifting the balance: wavelengths

u may have noticed by now that the more stuff goes on between me and "my friend" the less i post on here...

well, i think its a good indication of whether i will post or not. im here today cuz, once again, theres hardly anything goin on between us. yesterdays entry was written in the morning...it was based on the silence between us from the last time i saw her on sunday. i know it seems very strange cuz i had seen her most of sunday and funny enuff, i still saw her yesterday...but thats not what this is about. its about a void that is developing in strange areas...

i have a pessimistic attitude towards relationships with anyone other than my family and i (cuz we must get along) - pretty much every relationship. i have this attitude because ive never kept a long-term friend b4. this doesnt really apply to the guys tho, cuz we dont have "assurance relationships" we hang out and play sports - activity oriented. with the girls, its conversations, anything that shows u care about the other persons existence. the girls never do any of that. im the one who always does it. thats y i have become very pessimistic - and impatient.

im sure ppl wonder "y du bother starting anything with them? they probably were never interested in bein friends" funny thing is, we always start out cool. talk alot, get close. but then, the other person starts pulling away with excuses...makes me assume theyre getitn tired of me. the first few times, i got angry, i was sad, i spoke about it..then after a while i started to drop such ppl. it gets quicker everytime. now, im gettin to a point where i hardly say anything about it anymore.

this whole thing im referring to is a DECLINE. yes. a decline in my relationships with girls. its not the fact that we dont spend so much time together that will bother me. its when u seem to care less than u used to - i.e. i have to buzz u b4 u remember me. or i ALWAYS have to take the first step...even if i do, its ur reaction that counts big time. if i try to talk and u cut me off with "i have to study" (do that 3 or 4 times..) but dont talk to me when u actually have time, it jus means im overestimatin our relationship. if u do it a few times, i'll jus begin to pull away. the usual result is that the other person does...NOTHING. thats how they always end.

im not saying we ("my friend" and i) r goin to end...but when studying begins to erase ur close friends from memory...that is weird. especially when ure this close...thats what made the change so OBVIOUS...kinda like this text going from THIS to THIS...

i know 4 a fact that im probably being VERY childish right now. y? cuz its only been 1 day...plus, she says its because she has a test this week and some next week. i understand that. the problem is, i got so used to her callin me every now and then (she actually used to call me so much that i started askin y she was callin) or she would at least say something thru IM. one of the things i appreciated most...

i guess its jus a temporary shock. im gonna try to get used to this new system. wateva i experience from someone else is what i'll reciprocate. if they replace everything that i liked about us bein together with silence, then i'll do the same thing. even if they dont notice, it makes me feel at ease cuz that way, we'll both be on the same wavelengths again. by now, i must have elaborated on that thing about the wavelengths...

i know the $1000 questions are "who ru to complain?" or "how come ure never busy?" or "how come ure never the one reducing the time u spend?" and my answer is the same. its not like i dont have stuff to do as well. the only reason y u cant tell is cuz when im not available, im really not available - i dont appear to be available. im not hangin around cyberspace with "online" or "available" status if im "busy" that only happens before i start studyin or when im takin a study break. sometimes i take a break jus to say a quick hi or jus to catch up. and one thing i hate doin is cuttin ppl off. of course u have to do that after a while, but it doesnt hurt to take time out if its actually possible.

there. i let it ALL out. im cool. no worries. good thing about me, is that i hardly (if ever) get annoyed - i can pretend and of course, im not stupid. if u want away time, ull get it. if u want permanent away time, i can see that. if u act like u want permanent away time...ur bad, cuz ull get it eventually...

words dont mean anything to me if theyre in conflict with whats more important...ACTIONS!

this post cost 49 mins :)

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