Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Thursday, October 28, 2004

10-28-04 | yet another thursday...

its been a week since i posted. its not like posting is becoming difficult or wateva. i jus dont feel inclined to post anymore. im tired...

last weeks post will tell u that i jus finished another chem lab and im gettin ready for the weekend. only problem is, this weekend is goin to be busy. we're takin a trip to baylor to represent our ASA. i was talked into dancing and i havent been able to escape. Lord knows imma ignore the next person that says "we need guys"

how has the week been so far? terrible...good...ok...slightly uneventful. im jus takin it easy. doin all my work the way im supposed to again. its been a while since i thought so much about my school work. i have a test right after this "baylor weekend" that may be a problem but ure reading the words of houdinis grandson. where theres a bind, i find my way out...sometimes :D

anyway, its time to wind the brain down. weekend on the rise.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

10-21-04 | thursday again!

f*ck thursday! yeah i said it.

i have a chem quiz in about 15 mins...i jus had a psyc test...things rnt goin too well on the test level of things. i have 2 chem labs due one of them is late...too many things happenin within the same week. what makes thursday my special enemy is that i have a lab due, a quiz and a test on the same day! with an extra boring class to end it all. to that, i say f*ck thursday!

[calm down]

im jus goin to write this and head off to class. the last week has been interesting. this time last week, i was gettin worked up about a lab that was goin to be a bit complex. it was. i was quite elated after i got out tho. i m a little stressed now but its jus cuz i had a test.

u know what, i'll finish this after class...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

10-14-04 | the day that knew

...how hectic it would be but refused to aknowledge itself...

...how eventful yet uneventful it would be but refused to accept itself...

today, has not been such an easy day and the way i see it, its not goin to be such an easy day, even though its 3:37 pm. i havent even had my last class yet. its at 4:10 pm.

today began with the most annoying chemistry lab. it lasted for quite a few hrs and i hadnt eaten all day - so i had to be verry patient. after i got out of class i met up with my friend (not "my friend") and we talked 4 a while but he had to go to class so we decided to hang out tomorrow.

i went to eat alone today. i havent had alone time in a while - or i havent made so much alone time for myself. i got to do some thinkin and, of course, some eating

after class ill probably study a bit - as much as i can cuz we have dance practice today...from 9:45 till 11pm...as usual, that shyt takes up my time. im jus goin to ignore all the "we need guys" speeches after this.

anyway, class in 20 mins. im out.

thanks 4 stoppin by

10-14-04 | darkness

all i see right now is darkness. im almost broke, my friends r not really the same ones i wanted to be friends with and i cant seem to study the way i want to...its just...dark. everything is dark!

i started out with $200 and i bought some clothes. next thing i knew, i went down into the double digit region. now, i have about $50 or so. not like im goin to be spendin so much but its possible...and its only the 14th.

"my friend" has replaced most of the things that connected us with studying. thats cool tho, i shouldnt complain. i get scared initially if i feel my friends slipping away. they usually assure me that its ok...of course, we always end up not talking anymore but i guess im the only one who thinks thats bad.

i tried to study myself and 4get everyone. its possible to study, yes. but to 4get the ppl that im closest to in the name of studying or while studying...not possible. thats y its hard for me to understand.

i complained to "my friend" about shuttin me out but she pleaded "studyin" so i left her alone. im sooo so tired of ppl sayin theyre studying when they know its not all they do. for some odd reason she decides she wants to have a convo at 12 midnight or wateva. what kinda shyt is that? sometimes it jus feels like shes talkin to me cuz i complained...as if we're being forced to talk...i dont need that. i liked her because we connected so well. that connection is breaking but im not goin to say anything about it anymore.

the kiss?
i tried to give her a kiss today and she moved away, laughed and asked "ru serious?" all i know is, embarass me once and im never goin to try again. i pretended to be ok with it but of course i was surprised! she brought me out of feelin restricted into this zone and all of a sudden shes now laughing when i try to do that??? f*cked up! i guess she got what she wanted and now shes tired...

well, thats all 4 today. more stuff happened today but im getting sooo tired of writing and talking about her. there r some things she jus doesnt understand and like every other girl, she never will.

as usual, i dont know whats goin on with her so i must write. but thats it for now.

*song of the day/night: lonely by akon*


Tuesday, October 12, 2004

10-12-04 | shifting the balance: wavelengths

u may have noticed by now that the more stuff goes on between me and "my friend" the less i post on here...

well, i think its a good indication of whether i will post or not. im here today cuz, once again, theres hardly anything goin on between us. yesterdays entry was written in the morning...it was based on the silence between us from the last time i saw her on sunday. i know it seems very strange cuz i had seen her most of sunday and funny enuff, i still saw her yesterday...but thats not what this is about. its about a void that is developing in strange areas...

i have a pessimistic attitude towards relationships with anyone other than my family and i (cuz we must get along) - pretty much every relationship. i have this attitude because ive never kept a long-term friend b4. this doesnt really apply to the guys tho, cuz we dont have "assurance relationships" we hang out and play sports - activity oriented. with the girls, its conversations, anything that shows u care about the other persons existence. the girls never do any of that. im the one who always does it. thats y i have become very pessimistic - and impatient.

im sure ppl wonder "y du bother starting anything with them? they probably were never interested in bein friends" funny thing is, we always start out cool. talk alot, get close. but then, the other person starts pulling away with excuses...makes me assume theyre getitn tired of me. the first few times, i got angry, i was sad, i spoke about it..then after a while i started to drop such ppl. it gets quicker everytime. now, im gettin to a point where i hardly say anything about it anymore.

this whole thing im referring to is a DECLINE. yes. a decline in my relationships with girls. its not the fact that we dont spend so much time together that will bother me. its when u seem to care less than u used to - i.e. i have to buzz u b4 u remember me. or i ALWAYS have to take the first step...even if i do, its ur reaction that counts big time. if i try to talk and u cut me off with "i have to study" (do that 3 or 4 times..) but dont talk to me when u actually have time, it jus means im overestimatin our relationship. if u do it a few times, i'll jus begin to pull away. the usual result is that the other person does...NOTHING. thats how they always end.

im not saying we ("my friend" and i) r goin to end...but when studying begins to erase ur close friends from memory...that is weird. especially when ure this close...thats what made the change so OBVIOUS...kinda like this text going from THIS to THIS...

i know 4 a fact that im probably being VERY childish right now. y? cuz its only been 1 day...plus, she says its because she has a test this week and some next week. i understand that. the problem is, i got so used to her callin me every now and then (she actually used to call me so much that i started askin y she was callin) or she would at least say something thru IM. one of the things i appreciated most...

i guess its jus a temporary shock. im gonna try to get used to this new system. wateva i experience from someone else is what i'll reciprocate. if they replace everything that i liked about us bein together with silence, then i'll do the same thing. even if they dont notice, it makes me feel at ease cuz that way, we'll both be on the same wavelengths again. by now, i must have elaborated on that thing about the wavelengths...

i know the $1000 questions are "who ru to complain?" or "how come ure never busy?" or "how come ure never the one reducing the time u spend?" and my answer is the same. its not like i dont have stuff to do as well. the only reason y u cant tell is cuz when im not available, im really not available - i dont appear to be available. im not hangin around cyberspace with "online" or "available" status if im "busy" that only happens before i start studyin or when im takin a study break. sometimes i take a break jus to say a quick hi or jus to catch up. and one thing i hate doin is cuttin ppl off. of course u have to do that after a while, but it doesnt hurt to take time out if its actually possible.

there. i let it ALL out. im cool. no worries. good thing about me, is that i hardly (if ever) get annoyed - i can pretend and of course, im not stupid. if u want away time, ull get it. if u want permanent away time, i can see that. if u act like u want permanent away time...ur bad, cuz ull get it eventually...

words dont mean anything to me if theyre in conflict with whats more important...ACTIONS!

this post cost 49 mins :)

Monday, October 11, 2004

10-11-04 | easy

...thats how things have been goin 4 a few days. the weekend was one of my better ones. most ppl feel they must do something for their weekend to be ok. in my case, i started off by playing a little basketball on friday evening to keep myself in shape and alive. saturday, i slept 4 quite a while. i woke up jus in time to watch the sooners (oklahoma) eat the longhorns (UT) in a very surprising 12-0 meal.

my friend had gone to houston on friday evening and she came back on saturday. she managed to call me while she was there...quite a few times actually - i was surprised. anyway, she said she wanted to come chill at my place and to watch a movie. so we did both. she ended up fallin asleep at my place. my sister and her (that same guy) friend came back really early in the mornin from houston (around 5 am) so we were awake for a while. we all fell asleep again till about 12pm. ppl started gettin up around that time.

i decided to drop my friend at home and do some studyin. studied for a while then took a break. durin that break i tried to talk to her but she was different...i suppose it was my fault tho. i was tryin to tell her somethin serious after she had jus finished "messin with me" shes usually interested in what i have to say...this time she said "look, its better to get it off ur chest if u want to, but personally i am not going to force u to do dat"...i was surprised. not that its her job to listen to me but...shes never like that.

after that, she ignored me the rest of the day and didnt reply a message i sent her...the message reads "i was tryin to talk to u today but u didnt seem to care about what i had to say...guess u were really occupied or somethin... thats cool tho, im not complainin. jus wanted to say hi. peace" as polite as it gets...no response. maybe i did somethin wrong. truth is, all i was gonna tell her was that we seem to be on different wavelengths every now and then - i was goin to elaborate on that. i felt so sad that i jus didnt say it anymore. i guess that throws the "tell me everything" policy out the window.

ill write later. its still a good mornin even if theres somethin wrong, right?

*song of the day: we don't care by kanye west*

Friday, October 08, 2004

10-8-04 | 2 days later...

last time i posted...i was angry. i was angry because of the walls wehad put up and everything that wasnt goin on between us...yeah, i said i wasnt mad, and thats true. i wasnt writing from an angry persons point of view. i was jus explaining my whole situtation. we had a discussion about that after i wrote it. at first, she was mad at me - so she decided to act a fool, AGAIN! oh yeah, i didnt tell u about how she thought we "wont stand the test of time" because i hadnt replied when she said hi...rewind to 10-3-04 ru serious?!...that was when that happened.

anyway, she thought it was best i leave her alone as well...that jus surprised me. cuz i thought that she was a better person than that...u know, like she would try to hold on to a shred of me...she jus said "u have to watch out for ur own good right?", "hey, it works for me" thing about me is, ive learned how to vent, let it all out and use patience to solve a problem. when she wrote all those things (IM) i explained to her that of course i dont want us to end. that was the point of the whole message. but she was upset as well, so i understood. by the end of that day, we were cool again...

fast forward to yesterday...

i woke up yesterday morning. as usual, my friend came to mind. the thought of her made me smile, but not as much as usual. i was confused, and worried. we had jus agreed that it was best if we didnt hang out so much. and i would have to go another day without seeing her. but i thought hey, its cool, right? i was workin on some chemistry stuff and decided to reply a message she had sent me earlier. then she told me that she really missed me and wanted to see me - my heart almost melted.

we agreed to meet up that day after our classes were over...i immediately started to imagine what it would be like to see her again. she is beautiful. i realised how much we like each other, and for the first time, i realised that she might love me. i dont know how to explain that, but...she might love me...im not goin to say she loves me, cuz i dunno what love is...im jus startin to understand.

so...

...we had our first kiss yesterday. i was feelin very scared to do anything, but i jus decided to rest my head on her shoulder. i noticed that she responded by puttin her arm around me. then we started to hold and touch each other - in a mild kinda way. later, i leaned in and kissed her. she responded so passionately...i was overwhelmed by the whole thing. she was the second girl i was goin to kiss - yeah i said it. i jus couldnt see how someone like her, was kissing someone like me, like that. made me question my worth, as i knew it...

but...it happened. *sigh* for the first time in a while, i jus felt special.

anyway, thats what happened yesterday. i dont care how close we get. the only time i would get mad, is if she were jus plain leading me on - u know, the early stages where a girl sends "signals" and the guy thinks she likes him...well lets jus say im not gettin "signals"

i'll write later if somethin interesting happens

*song of the day: water runs dry by boys II men*

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

10-6-04 | wateva (this is 100% negative)

...happens, happens. probably tired of my sayin that, but thats how i feel. and u may never hear it again. im tired of thinkin about the "i want to be with u"s and hearin the "what can i do"s. i jus really wish there were no feelings or anything. its gettin harder 4 me to talk to her - cuz i have to keep the walls up. that would mean seein her and surpressin my feelings, which is harder than not seein her - so i think i should quit. i mean, we could be friends and all, but we have too much of a connection 4 that to work well...

we're supposed to go to the movies this week...i dont know if i can see her again...seein her is jus...it seems different now. we came this far, and now we have to jus start choppin up our relationship. id rather jus put this in the history books.

movin on...

in any case, im glad we're puttin up these walls between ourselves. no matter what happens, it should help me get rid of these feelings. the only thing i want is for her to talk to her man about this. if hes half the man hes supposed to be, and he listens, he'll understand something, i certainly dont expect him to understand more than 1% but...something...after all, he thinks she should tell her parents about him (even though they wont understand and she'll be in trouble) - he thinks its stupid that her brother doesnt want her to date an older guy...Lord knows that is what makes him her brother. if thats stupid, then its stupid that she wont tell him about us (u know its not). if that <-- is ridiculous, then u know what else is ridiculous.

i know shes not goin to talk to him about it anyway, so ive started packin up. that probably also means this journal will be closed permanently...only "issues" go in here - my life is too normal for this to be exciting afterwards... it sounds like im venting, but im not. im in a regular mood, not a good one, but far from a bad one. i dont want to end our friendship, but we've moved too far forward that it will be hard to move back. it may be hard to cancel this, but it solves problem 1 of 2. the most that will happen is she'll miss me for a while. i dont think ppl keep liking each other if they avoid each other. in my case, it'll be a whole lot more. i dont think i'll find such a person for a while. i have one of most uneventful histories (with girls) and its because i hardly make a connection with anyone. but if i have to leave her, im glad that we met, at least. shes a great person and the best friend i ever had.

the WiRe

10-6-04 | dr. jekyl and mr. hyde

yesterday...was a tuesday. one class in the mornin, one class in the evening. inbetween, i went shopping. it felt different. i had never pulled money outta my own account to shop b4. anyway, i got 2 shirts, 2 sweatshirts, 2 pairs of jeans. mostly in preparation for winter...

dr. jekyl:
we had an interesting discussion yesterday. i tried to reason with my friend about this situation. its quite sad that we'll have to stay away from each other when we have feelings...

mr. hyde:
(shut up, jekyl...this is my time!) i had a discussion with my friend about us and "them." one thing that struck me about them is that her bf is very needy and she is tryin to have a life but cant, because it wouldnt be fair on him. isnt that strange?? hes a guy! in my opinion, he could be doin anything in houston (on the low). i mean, dude is...older...much older...and hes got pimp juice (by definition). it wouldnt be fair on him is not really a good reason for tryin to hold on, so i suggested they at least have a talk about this, so that they will both be on the same page (i suggested an open relationship), but she thought he wouldnt like that...

i pictured myself as a guy in his mid 20s and thought to myself: what kinds of girls would i date...aint no way im datin no teenager! u know?! the same way girls say guys their age r immature, is the same way i would think a teenager was immature with respect to my 20+ yr old self. at his age, hes probably finished college, probably has a job, probably lookin to get married in a few or something. at her age, she is jus startin college, has strict parents who would kill her if they found out about her man and his age...yet, dude wants to meet the parents...tellin u mehn, HE IS NEEDY...

she doesnt know it, but his age puts him in such a higher position than she is. ive listened to her get uptight about little things sayin "he'll get mad" and im sittin there like, is he ur dad? what i know is, when ure around someone closer to u in age, u get to go thru ur stages together, and u dont have to act up to that persons standards cuz theyre the same as urs...and things wont be as formal...maybe i should go get myself a 13 yr old and see how it goes *rolls eyes* i cant even date a 15 yr old!!! she would be in jr. high! thats the way it plays out in my mind. she would pretty much be behind me in thinkin and i dont need that.

the things that men do...

dr jekyl:
(iight times up!) im not tryin to hate or anything...its jus that i dont see this on a regular day. im a guy, i jus told u my standpoint on age differences. i asked my friends (randomly) how far they would stray from their age group if they were about 24 (u know, cuz as u get older, u can stray further) they wouldnt go past 20/21. then i asked them if they would go for 17 and i added "if the girl were nice-lookin" and they still couldnt picture that...it was somethin like "i would be ashamed of myself"

i aint tryin to be no dad so i wont go on about this...

oh well, jus thought i should share some thoughts. whatever happens, happens. i jus dont want her to regret anything in the future (and i especially dont want her to regret not stayin close to me or stayin with her current man)

ill write later...

*song of the day: can u help me by usher*


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

10-5-04 | REflections and DEflections

REflections
Yesterday was…interesting. It was a typical Monday except I was the only one that slept in the house – therefore, I didn’t get a ride to school. Everything else was pretty much the same. I signed on to yahoo messenger and my friend was there. Had a nice, short convo in the “precious moments” IMvironment to remember what we have. Both of us had lectures at the same time so we left and agreed to meet up after class.

We went to the library to study together. We got to spent time together as usual, and the more time I spent with her, the closer I felt to her. I realised that she is very free around me and she acts out her attitude to the fullest (clownin and everything). That’s a good thing. And yes, I still thought of bein with her, but I didn’t do anything or say anything. I jus felt like I would be takin advantage of her feelings…

If it has to stay this way, Im happy with what we have. I dont want anything to change between us. Its a nice feeling to know that someone cares for u. She walked me to class for the first time in weeks and I knew that we were goin to be fine. My plan after class was to give one of my friends a ride to Target. I called her after dropping him off and she said she was hungry. Normally, I would jump at an opportunity to hang with her, but I was startin to utilise some caution. She seemed more interested tho, so I decided to go ahead…

It rained like crazy! I got wet tryin to get an umbrella from the car. Long story short, we ate together and hung out as usual, talking.

I happened to park at a distant parking lot (from her room) against her wishes, and got a parkin citation worth $40. anyway, she walked with me to the parking lot which was about 10 mins from her room, in some (short) shorts and a wife-beater with a sweater on top. Cold? YEAH! She may not know it, but I appreciate her soo much now, more than ever. She does so much for me that sometimes I feel bad…

DEflections
things r looking up. I need to get rid of these “feelings” cuz theyre not workin for me. It puts me in an awkward situation. I want to be with her but she doesn’t want to be with me. Too close to move back and shes taken so I cant move 4ward. I have to sit thru stories about her bf without feelin strange. Truth is, I don’t feel strange, but im not down with O.P.P. don’t get me wrong, shes nice and all but I don’t need to be attracted to her.

Shes very much committed to her bf and she loves him. She just likes me. Thats almost nothing. Its not strong enuff for her to not look me in the eye or feel awkward, for instance, and its not strong enuff for her to want to be close to me (distance-wise). Stuff like that. It pretty much doesn’t show. So, I think its best that I ease out of her way gradually. Its hard for me to find someone like her but I believe it will happen someday sha.

*song of the day: bad man by r. Kelly (go figure)*

Monday, October 04, 2004

10-4-04 | enlightenment

this weekend was...one of my happiest, and my all-time most depressing. happiest, because i found out that, for the first time, someone actually accepted me (even tho it wasnt exactly on purpose - and im really sorry about how this happened) and most depressing because i turned my best friend ever (yes! she was my best friend ever) into someone with a burden with my name all over it - that doesnt mean i was depressed tho. jus did a lot of thinking.

if someone were to draw a chart of my thoughts, it would be so incoherent and the patterns would be sooo strong - cuz thats how it was. one moment im thinkin about her, what it would be like to hold her, to kiss her...my heart would get soo warm. but with that thought, would come my conscience. she belongs to someone else. i already said selfishness is not a keyword of mine. i really dont know what to do. she is my favourite person and as much as i regret it, ive sorta become her favourite person.

whats funny is that i had done a good job of surpressing my feelings until she opened up - and that was my fault. i forced her to tell me how she was feelin. im sooo sorry and i feel so silly. i feel soo bad and know it would make sense to keep my distance, but i dont want to lose her to somethin like this...if there were a friend exhibition, i would put her behind glass or somethin...thats where she stands in my book.

dont worry, im ok...

we speak the same love language - quality time. thats the most prominent one. i love spendin time with her so i give her my time. and, lookin at my phone call history and the amount of time we spend together, she loves to give me her time and loves to be with me. THIS IS ALL SOO ODD FOR ME! now im startin to appreciate those bad days - when it seemed like no one could be a real friend to me. but she jus broke down all the barriers and restrictions and came right to my heart.

i have to get ready for a lecture...i hope i see her today, but i'll understand if she doesnt want to hang with me anymore. this is the first lesson that im goin to learn thats not a result of a girl not liking me. *sigh*

i'll write later...

10-4-04 | the girl i never had

she is the girl i never had...
sweet and sexy
feisty, yet caring
never have i seen a girl as beautiful as she

my words are intoxicated with thoughts of her
as i write this volatile verse
but oh, how good it feels to be loved by someone
other than oneself

i do not love her
and i know she does not love me
but my mind wanders
i wonder what it would be like to kiss her

i have felt her soft skin and her gentle touch
and my heart longs to know these feelings once more
though i do not love her
she is the girl i never had

jus some random poetry...this would be my first, by the way.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

10-3-04 | ru serious?!

jus thought i should let some stuff out

ru serious?! ru serious?! i jus realised that i need to start pullin away slowly cuz im too attached to this girl and she has a bf. a bf with a muzzle so strong that she cant even say hi to me. a bf with a muzzle so strong that the only sensible thing she has said to me since yesterday is "we'll talk later" and i knew that was untrue the moment i hrd it. i jus wanted to be reasonable. she said that when i tried to talk to her yesterday.


the only thing that makes me feel sad is that i want to know what shes thinkin but she cant even find the time or remember me enuff to write it out. even when she did write it out, it got erased (like i havent been there b4 or something) and she couldnt be bothered to write anything again. i jus wanted to know somethin. that is jus sooo enlightening - i realised that, as always, i appreciate someone more than they appreciate me and i think about them more also. how many times have my posts been erased? MANY TIMES! i never used it as an excuse cuz it sounded lame to me...apparently im alone on that. i used to think it was important to share my reasoning so i would go back and salvage my thoughts. if she cant be bothered to let me in, then she shouldnt come near my writing.

she doesnt even know me! i cant count the number of times she has told me "im not most girls"...shes actin like most girls so i dont see where that statement comes in...

SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ME! how can u tell me that "we'll talk later" and then the next thing u have to say to me is "du know how to get to the mall?"

i could make a whole post on that one...

ive told her b4 that i hate such random questions and leave them unanswered. what do i mean by random? i mean questions that r the only thing someone has to say to u...questions like "can u give me a ride to...? or "du know when...?" questions by ppl who cant even say hi to u or have a convo with u. they jus make noise when they need somethin. of course i didnt answer that. let me give some insight on the way my mind works since someone whos supposed to be close to me doesnt get it.

if u dont feel it important to say jus a few friendly words to me or jus a have a little chat that let me know that we're cool, then naturally, i wont feel it important to answer some random question...

okay. i let it out.

i dont care if im right or wrong. i jus had to write. in my mind we're still cool, but i cant be understanding if theres nothin to understand - i can be 4givin tho so i wont hold anything against anybody.

jus have to let it out.

*song of the day: easy by lionel richie*


10-3-04 | lazy sunday

today, i slept for a long time! i have a sleepin problem on sundays and saturdays :( i slept till exactly 10 am, when my sisters friend (still that SAME one!) came in, dressed for church. he came to wake me up at 10 am!!!! not quite sure y nobody woke me up on time...

anyway, i was ready by 10:30 - yes, we were really late, and the other person (my sister) who started gettin ready b4 me, finished after i did (as usual). we went to church, came back, and have been chillin ever since. im sorta watchin the Green Bay vs. New York game on FOX.

its gonna be short today cuz i dont think the truth is necessary. no, im not goin to talk about HER and yes, im ok.

10-3-04 | truth?!

i worry too much

something ive noticed is that my self-confidence is good generally but i find it hard to believe that someone could be interested in me (as a friend). i guess it makes me question myself and them too. i need to relax for a while. im too honest with ppl and everyone takes honesty for granted. it seems like when im honest, i start to write/talk too much - especially when no one is interested...

10-2-04 | i have my doubts...

today...was weird. of course stuff happened after my initial post today. and as usual, it involved HER. i cant honestly say ive done somethin today. ive jus been chillin. i pretty much havent donned a shirt today. thats how relaxed ive been. im not even wearin a shirt now. i was home alone for a good part of the day. my sister (roommate) and her friend (same guy from yesterday) went to the mall but i didnt have anything to do there.

anyway...SHE called me today. we talked as usual, as friends. i asked her if she wanted to see a movie but she wanst sure (cuz her bf was comin into town). i was expectin such an answer so i wasnt surprised or concerned. we talked for about an hr b4 hangin up. it was around that time that my sister and her friend got back. this was around 6 pm when the A&M vs. Kansas State game started. i was interested in seein if A&M would deliver for the 3rd straight game - they did. beat up on K-State for 42-30 on 3 rushin TD's from courtney lewis (that boi only had 60 yrds!!!! but 3 TD's!!!! that is the most efficient game ive seen) and regie mcneal wasnt too bad himself - that last minute 62-yard TD was risky but a killa! they didnt disappoint.

but of course, stuff had to happen DURING the game. SHE called me again sayin that she wanted to go watch the movie (i assumed her bf wasnt comin anymore) then less that a minute later, she called again and said i shouldnt worry. normally, i woulda been surprised but i jus decided not to bother myself. u may ask y? its simple. i believe that there is no perfect girl out there. there is no girl that wont do something abrupt - something that may get me upset. lets jus say my expectations r VERY low when it comes to a girls behaviour.

finished watchin the game and my sister went out again to see that movie (it was shark tale, by the way).

here i m.

i could rant about how she may be messin with my head and all that childish stuff but its sooo unnecessary. we're not dating. she has a bf - let them live. i figured, if she decides tomorrow, that she didnt mean what she said or she doesnt like me anymore or wateva, i wont be so attached and i'll be able to step out easily without emotional distress. its kinda like i dont want a committment but i want assurance. as big-headed and pompous as this may sound, a committment would almost be redundant cuz we're pretty committed to each other. we've never discussed that, but its implicit.

its weird but i can feel her emotions...i know that im special to her. she is special to me...

i have to go think again...

Saturday, October 02, 2004

10-2-04 | of crunk and nunk

first off, let me tell u what is CRUNK and what is NUNK. CRUNK is...unexplainable...and NUNK (as my friend Oke would put it) is a state of bein un-CRUNK.

anyway, as i wrote in yesterdays post, we went to a club...my sister, her (guy) friend, a (female) friend of mine and i. the same one i wrote about yesterday...no, we aint fighting. i was jus soo upset, but we cleared things up. im not even goin to encroach on anybodys relationship - selfish is not one of my keywords. but i must admit, she is growin on me :(

movin on...

the club was CRUNK for what it was (predominantly white, but quite a few black ppl). i got to dance with her for the first time, and for the first time, i knew what she "felt like." dont think i told u about my hands-off, dont-touch-me policy...its my defense mechanism. jus so i dont develop an appetite for a girl (cuz u know, some r warm and all that fuzzy shyt). anyway, i told her never to touch my leg, my arms or any of that stuff that girls do (unintentionally...hopefully) when theyre talkin to u. so when i asked her to dance with me, i refused to touch her and she...lets jus say she commanded me to touch her :D

im sorry but she "feels" good... *worried*

we had a good time tho. i hope we get to go clubbin again sometime. the club closed shortly after we got there cuz we set out late (around 1 am and these stupid clubs close at 2 am). we dropped her at her dorm then went home to catch some serious Z's.
----------------------------------------------

>>fast forward to this mornin>>

rolled outta bed with nothin but boxer shorts on. feelin all dizzy :D then i came to the PC...here i am...this is me...i am now CRUNK!

LOL. yeah, jus in case u havent realised it yet, im jus relayin the rest of yesterdays details in this post. ill write later when something interesting happens. peace!

Friday, October 01, 2004

10-1-04 | a strange day in the life of...

today started off sloooowly! altho i woke up at 4:00 am after goin to sleep a little earlier - thats what happens when i go to bed in the wrong place (the couch, not my bed). anyway, i got out of bed, did that fresh thing and headed for school around 1:00 o'clock (dont hate!). Oh yeah, it was my dads birthday and Nigerias independence day today!

my friend called me around 12:30 to find out where i was. couldnt really be bothered about relayin the details of the mornin so i jus said id come by later. i got there within the next 30 mins. we went to eat lunch and we've been hangin out since. its about 8:15 right now...

we had an interesting discussion today - about...THINGS. she had asked me previously if i was afraid to get close to her...gave her an answer already but the question kept poppin up in my head - whenever that happens with a Q, i usually answer it over and over again till i realise the right answer. i decided to start a little paper convo...i would write a Q and she would write back. lets jus say i didnt learn anything.

the main question that i wanted answered, was left unanswered. we have grown very close over the course of 4 - 6 weeks but she aint single and id rather not be this close, but i cant reject someone for that reason (especially since i initiated the friendship and knew her status and was willing to take a risk). the only problem is, stuff happens that gets me thinkin that we may have a very small connection somewhere - but when i asked she wouldnt answer. jus said she didnt wanna talk about it anymore.

movin along...

right now, ive gotten over the whole issue. i jus feel like this relationship is in danger of short life-span. of course, bein a typical girl she probably doesnt think that far - probably thinks its gonna be ALRIGHT. i would explain my reasoning but i cant be bothered to tell yet another girl about my past experiences and their effect on me - i get tired and impatient a lot easier these days. when i say impatient i mean i find it difficult to put up with strange behaviour and bullshyt. thats y she and i r still cool. we dont have fights or reasons to fight and she doesnt give me reason to be concerned. im jus confused about this whole situation. when i tell my confidants about how close we r, they instantly think there is chemistry but i always dismiss that cuz im not lookin 4 that right now. but it is very odd the way we relate. and like any other girl, SHE DROPS HINTS. i have, however, learned that its in a girls nature to be TOO NICE to a guy. so i dont read anything by it.

u could say im angry...im angry that im the only one tellin stuff. i like to be open so that no one will come wit that "ru ok?" shyt. *pardon my language* the main reason y it bothers me is that its a question that will clarify a lot of things.

see:

1. if she says yes, she has some feelings, then i'll know im not the only one that enjoys the other person, but i wont try to start anythin. its up to her whether she wants to move forward or she doesnt want to jeopardise what she already has - i dont care what she decides, jus as long as she is honest enuff to tell me.

2. if she says no, she has no feelings, then i'll probably jus cut our time in half and curb wateva ridiculous feelings i might have - jus so we remain FRIENDS of the 3rd degree cuz this 1st degree stuff is where only boyfriends and long-term ppl should go.

it shouldnt be that difficult to answer. thats what got me a little upset. the fact that she jus wont tell me. where does that leave me??? OBLIVION. its all good tho. when shyt like this happens, i jus take it as meanin we're spendin too much time together cuz she really is growin on me - not US growin on EACH OTHER. one-sided relationships r the ones i hate most.

whatever happens, happens. jus needed to write.

tonight, will be my second CLUB visit. peace

*song of the day: jus my imagination (running away with me) by the temptations*