Truth Be Told

my life, thru my eyes

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

2-2-05 | Happy New Year?!?!?!

[What]The f*ck? i cant believe i havent been here in months...dang! i used to be the faithful writer...should i give u a rundown of everything? i didnt think so (lol)

i cant tell everything but i can try...

lets jus say that, "the last temptation" wasnt the last temptation. i still visited "my friend" and we seemed to get real close toward christmas time. i guess we couldnt figure out how to handle being apart. had long discussions about the whole thing. eventually, christmas came around and it was time to say goodbye...supposed to be an easy seven-letter word, right? wrong. goodbye lasted forEVER! i felt kinda empty the first few days...then after a while i started gettin used to it. one thing that helped was a couple of visits to houston. i went once with my mom and we got to hang out. then, i spend a week with my friends in houston so i went to watch a movie with her again. all in all, things werent so bad.

>> fast forward to post-christmas break. >>

i decided to take my prerequisites at a junior college this semester to avoid confusion. i hope to have decided fully on what i want to do by the end of this semester; after which, i'll decide what school i want to transfer to. it might be the same one or i may jus go somewhere else to get a change in my life.

i had to move apartments and my sister is movin out as well. everything is goin on fine for now.

anyway, my friend and i r cool. i wanted her to come over and visit this week but i dont know if she really wants to. some stuff is goin on between us right now that i havent fully understood yet. i still like her alot but im really confused.

on the lighter side of things, i jus got some interesting news today that motivates me a little. i have pc and a bunch of new shirts waiting 4 me if i have a good 1st half semester. straight A's? its me we're talkin about. i make em count. ive been workin harder than usual these last few weeks so i kinda go all out on the weekends. but i think thats fair. only problem is, my friend is never there on the weekends. i jus talk to her. and half the time, we're arguin. 'sall good. gotta bounce. stuff to do. later.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

11-30-04 | the last temptation

ok so the title is all "clever" and what not but this is the last chapter in my journey (with my friend)

we had a discussion yesterday...

i'll finish this later, gotta catch a bus. look for me later in the evening.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

11-3-04 | midweek [crisis]

yeah, the week has been rolling by slowly. had that test on monday. dont quite know how i did - but it wasnt a bad test tho. 52 multiple choice (strange, right?). i should get the grades back real soon.

i have so much stuff to do between now and the end of the week. i have a lab due tomorrow, some other chem work to do, gotta study in advance 4 my next test, today i have to go 4 a meeting. we have a basketball competition on friday between the international students at my school. since i called ppl up and "got the team together" im automatically the team captain. the only thing that bothers me about that is that im at least 2 yrs younger than the other team members...i dont want to have to "control them"

the team is goin to be loaded tho. ive been wanting to play on such a team 4 a while. we've got tj, me, martice, oman, kingsley, rukky, darrell, [possibly] frank, freddy and one other person i havent met (he signed up separately). i have seen all of them play more than once except freddy. i havent seen him play at all but that shouldnt be an issue.

descriptions of the perfect team.

tj and i. about 6'0", have a lot of hussle so we'll probably be stealing the ball alot but dont look 4 me on offense too much - i only do fastbreaks, open treys and inside shots...i can drive in the lane but i dont try so much. tj has a little more "streetball" skills so he handles the ball better one-on-one.

kingsley. about 5'10", dang. he does everything. what i like most about his game is the intensity of play. he's like an upgrade of me. doesnt take unnecessary shots, jus waits for his turn...and plays defense just as much and just as good. look for him to score at least 8 points a game.

rukky. about 6'4", plays under his potential whenever he plays with under-sized players...however, he is an incredible asset. [in my best old english writing] stay out of the lane, lest he dunk on u! thats right. he can dunk! like i said, he plays under his potential with small guys cuz he doesnt need to work hard to score. he should be able to play power forward (even tho he wouldnt make it past guard on an NBA team, LOL).

darrell. about 5'2", lol. hes really not that tall...but he doesnt let ppl walk all over him. he plays well enuff to have him on a team. the only problem i have with him is that he doesnt have a good shot - which is what small guys use to get by everywhere.

frank. about 6'6", cant do shyt. or maybe he has that under-sized problem as well. never seen him play real well b4. however, he should be able to intimidate anyone who wants easy baskets cuz of his "wing-span"

oman. about 6'4", plays to potential. always in the right place. defense is perfect. the kind of player we need at center. lookin at him alone will intimidate ppl trying to score...

thats where martice comes in. ppl will be scared to go into the post so someone will need to watch the backcourt.

martice. about 5'6", is a killer basketball player. he is our point guard, period! nobody runs the court like him, grabs rebounds like him, passes like him or shoots threes like him. hes also a killer defender and he steals the ball easily. he does EVERYTHING well. i'll probably be watchin him myself :D

that is the perfect team.

anyway, i met someone interesting yesterday. the girl that posted a comment on one of my posts. she was really interesting. lives in australia but is from pakistan originally, she likes arts like i do and she seems outgoing at least. i told her i was goin to stop posting, she asked y? then i told her to give me 3 reasons y i should keep posting. she actually had 3. what surprised me most was that she actually follows my posts. its not flattering...just surprising - as u can see, theyre kinda long.

"my friend" has given up on me. i think shes not talkin to me anymore, but thats ok. she really took my words to heart. she did somethin very odd yesterday. she asked me who it was that posted the comment on the post from the 28th (october). i told her i didnt know, cuz i hadnt met her yet. then she said we should talk later. i thought she was actually being serious and she actually wanted to talk.

her: we should talk later

me: call me? or IM. ill be around

[no response for 3 mins]

me: yes..? no...?

her: how about i dont know, ttyl, im out

after that, i jus decided not to bother about it anymore. but then, i jus felt that i was bein ridiculous. decided to give her a call and leave all that pride behind. she didnt pick up her phone. then she called later. i tried to tell her that what she did wasnt nice. the convo, not pickin up her phone...she didnt seem to care. honestly, i felt myself almost starting to cry. i dont cry and i dont know y i felt like that but i just did. maybe because i never expected this to happen, maybe because she is supposed to be my best friend at the moment. i was so lost for words that i asked "y did u call me?" she responded with "cuz u left a message...jus wanted to call back" i felt the way some ppl feel when theyre crying but im not a"crying" person so there were no tears. then i asked her "so u dont have anything to talk about?" she said "no" at that point i was gone. after we finished talkin (there wasnt much after that except iight...ill ttyl), i went to lie down. my eyes got watery but i wouldnt let myself do that.

i sat back up and tried to 4get the whole thing. i watched the rest of the rockets-pistons game. then i watched lakers-nuggets. then i was ok. i hardly thought of her again until a while later. when i did, i jus told myself not to worry. i thought about her this morning again. i felt sad, but i couldnt do anything. i guess we really didnt stand the test of time. i wont lie, this whole situation hurts

thats as much as i can say for now.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

11-2-04 | frustration

sad. thats it. thats how i feel. im also ashamed that i let this girl get to me. i allowed her into my personal space...itll take a while for me to 4give myself. how does it feel when someone tells u they would rather express their feelings and then turns u down 3 times? like this. the way i feel. i feel so empty. so ashamed. and most of all, i feel regret.

this is all my fault tho. who is the reason y we started talkin anyway? and y do we still talk? ME. i cant even stay away for more than 4 or 5 days b4 comin right back. i guess i jus have to discipline myself. ive found myself to be my best teacher - all the things i do best are a result of me pushing myself. this shoudnt be any different.

nothing compares to the regret i feel and i dont want this to go on. i dont want anybody that cant hold me cuz her hands r tied. i dont want anybody whos inconsistent. i dont want anyone who gives me so much less than 100%. nobody has to give me 100% - only God and really special ppl should get that. but sh*t, when i start gettin 60% and less, that jus doesnt say anything to me. its even worse when "showing ur feelings" is supposed to be one of ur stronger points. i dont want to be worried when i think about the person and most of all, i dont want anybody that cant express herself, especially when it counts the most.

im tired. its safe...its not...its safe...its not. i guess that says it all. i had to dig deep yesterday night jus to give her the little expression i had in me. i mean, i understand what she said to me. its hard cuz its not the same - she cant do the same thing to 2 ppl. im not selfish and im not about to be selfish. if thats how it is, its about time she told me that. fck she keepin me here for?! who mi kidding tho? i wanted to get close to her. i wanted to from the very 1st time i met her. im jus goin to leave this alone.

when she told me that, i got soo upset. i dont think ive been that upset in a while. i didnt really want to talk - especially not with her. and u know how it is...she came with those questions. "ru mad at me?" "when ru catching the bus" can u imagine? i missed the bus so i could chill with her....i feel so much regret for putting myself out there. the good thing is, i havent even begun to give her any part of me and she definitely doesnt give me any part of her so she can keep wateva she has. aint nobody that special.

like i said, im not mad at her. its myself i have to blame. but i soo didnt want to walk with her or even look at her yesterday. 4 some odd reason she insisted that she wanted to escort me to the door. started to get on my nerves when she kept following me - i had to tell her "u dont have to" 3 times b4 she realised i was saying "NO"

[sigh] thats it. i agree with her. its probably not the same. they were inseparable b4 she met me and im obviously in the way. 4 some reason she says shes not selfish but she tries to hold on to me. if ur bf is somewhere else, get used to talkin to him over the phone cuz its gonna be a while...fck u usin me for?! if it feels so bad that ure "doin this to him" jus 4get about me.

we talked this morning. cant say it was anything interesting or enlightening. jus the same old "its hard for me..." and so on. she needs time to "get comfortable" with me. the reason y that statement makes no sense is cuz we seemed to have passed that stage already. sometimes i jus dont understand her. i dont know how much longer i m willing to take all this wavering, the ups and downs so...

goodbye 4 now.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

10-28-04 | yet another thursday...

its been a week since i posted. its not like posting is becoming difficult or wateva. i jus dont feel inclined to post anymore. im tired...

last weeks post will tell u that i jus finished another chem lab and im gettin ready for the weekend. only problem is, this weekend is goin to be busy. we're takin a trip to baylor to represent our ASA. i was talked into dancing and i havent been able to escape. Lord knows imma ignore the next person that says "we need guys"

how has the week been so far? terrible...good...ok...slightly uneventful. im jus takin it easy. doin all my work the way im supposed to again. its been a while since i thought so much about my school work. i have a test right after this "baylor weekend" that may be a problem but ure reading the words of houdinis grandson. where theres a bind, i find my way out...sometimes :D

anyway, its time to wind the brain down. weekend on the rise.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

10-21-04 | thursday again!

f*ck thursday! yeah i said it.

i have a chem quiz in about 15 mins...i jus had a psyc test...things rnt goin too well on the test level of things. i have 2 chem labs due one of them is late...too many things happenin within the same week. what makes thursday my special enemy is that i have a lab due, a quiz and a test on the same day! with an extra boring class to end it all. to that, i say f*ck thursday!

[calm down]

im jus goin to write this and head off to class. the last week has been interesting. this time last week, i was gettin worked up about a lab that was goin to be a bit complex. it was. i was quite elated after i got out tho. i m a little stressed now but its jus cuz i had a test.

u know what, i'll finish this after class...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

10-14-04 | the day that knew hectic it would be but refused to aknowledge itself... eventful yet uneventful it would be but refused to accept itself...

today, has not been such an easy day and the way i see it, its not goin to be such an easy day, even though its 3:37 pm. i havent even had my last class yet. its at 4:10 pm.

today began with the most annoying chemistry lab. it lasted for quite a few hrs and i hadnt eaten all day - so i had to be verry patient. after i got out of class i met up with my friend (not "my friend") and we talked 4 a while but he had to go to class so we decided to hang out tomorrow.

i went to eat alone today. i havent had alone time in a while - or i havent made so much alone time for myself. i got to do some thinkin and, of course, some eating

after class ill probably study a bit - as much as i can cuz we have dance practice today...from 9:45 till usual, that shyt takes up my time. im jus goin to ignore all the "we need guys" speeches after this.

anyway, class in 20 mins. im out.

thanks 4 stoppin by

10-14-04 | darkness

all i see right now is darkness. im almost broke, my friends r not really the same ones i wanted to be friends with and i cant seem to study the way i want to...its just...dark. everything is dark!

i started out with $200 and i bought some clothes. next thing i knew, i went down into the double digit region. now, i have about $50 or so. not like im goin to be spendin so much but its possible...and its only the 14th.

"my friend" has replaced most of the things that connected us with studying. thats cool tho, i shouldnt complain. i get scared initially if i feel my friends slipping away. they usually assure me that its ok...of course, we always end up not talking anymore but i guess im the only one who thinks thats bad.

i tried to study myself and 4get everyone. its possible to study, yes. but to 4get the ppl that im closest to in the name of studying or while studying...not possible. thats y its hard for me to understand.

i complained to "my friend" about shuttin me out but she pleaded "studyin" so i left her alone. im sooo so tired of ppl sayin theyre studying when they know its not all they do. for some odd reason she decides she wants to have a convo at 12 midnight or wateva. what kinda shyt is that? sometimes it jus feels like shes talkin to me cuz i if we're being forced to talk...i dont need that. i liked her because we connected so well. that connection is breaking but im not goin to say anything about it anymore.

the kiss?
i tried to give her a kiss today and she moved away, laughed and asked "ru serious?" all i know is, embarass me once and im never goin to try again. i pretended to be ok with it but of course i was surprised! she brought me out of feelin restricted into this zone and all of a sudden shes now laughing when i try to do that??? f*cked up! i guess she got what she wanted and now shes tired...

well, thats all 4 today. more stuff happened today but im getting sooo tired of writing and talking about her. there r some things she jus doesnt understand and like every other girl, she never will.

as usual, i dont know whats goin on with her so i must write. but thats it for now.

*song of the day/night: lonely by akon*